Friday Night Live 

Remember Baby Jessica, the little girl who fell down a well in West Texas in the fall of 1987? That was in Midland, home of George and Laura Bush. Midland also happens to be the more developed, more sophisticated big sister to my hometown of Odessa, separated by just fifteen miles, down a very dusty and very empty highway. Shortly after Jessica’s ordeal made national headlines, my hometown gained its own notoriety—not as an all-American town where presidents and heroes are born but rather as a racist, backwards place. The book Friday Night Lights was about football—the players, the coaches, the rivalries, the community, a peek into the lives and dramas of these characters. I was there. I witnessed the events and knew the people. I grew up in that town and went to school with the children of my parents’ schoolmates. I marched in the band and attended every football game. But that book was not my story.

My story and the real story of my peers unfolded not on a football field, in a locker room, or in a classroom, but in parked cars and empty fields, in malls and dance clubs. This story is about making out, having a good time, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk, staying out late, and having sex. It is a thrilling and passionate story about love, obsession, and heartbreak. And it’s a common story—the story of being young in America.

Right now teenagers across the country have quit their summer jobs, come home from summer camp, and put down their video game controls to return to the halls and classrooms of America’s high schools. The high school experience is such a significant moment in one’s life that countless books, movies, and television shows are devoted to telling these stories, and tens of thousands of adults spend millions of dollars every year in therapy either working through the trauma of high school or trying to get past the glory of those years. Was it the algebra, history, and foreign language classes? I don’t think so. How about band or football practice? Possibly. More likely, it was the feelings associated with budding sexualities, new romances, and experimentation, and memories of breaking free from the binds of childhood toys and playmates.

Much has changed in the world over the past couple of decades—new technology, threats of terrorism,  expanding media and globalization—all of which have had major impacts on sexuality and the ways in which we experience our individual sexualities. At the same time, the interpersonal and intrapersonal experiences of my teen years two decades ago are still as common, thrilling, and obsession-creating as football continues to be in West Texas. As the saying goes, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Just as it was during my high school years, teens continue to develop and explore their sexual and gender identities and experiment in romantic and sexual relationships with very little or no guidance from the more experienced adults in their lives.

In fact, despite all the advances we’ve made since I was a teenager, sexuality education today has actually taken a step backward. In this age of abstinence-only-until-marriage “sex” education, middle and high school teachers are mandated to teach that pre-marital sex can and will keep them from attaining success in school, careers, and relationships and prevent them from achieving the greatest pursuit of all, happiness in their lives. Teachers who are not comfortable teaching about compulsory heterosexual marriage as a prerequisite for sexual activity often remain silent, fearful of losing their jobs. Those that do brave the waters of sex education are not allowed to discuss the healthy benefits and pleasurable aspects of responsible sexual activity, which include using condoms and contraceptives, communicating with romantic partners, and negotiating sexual behaviors. Rather, they are told to encourage their students to take vows of abstinence and make promises of waiting until their wedding night to engage in any type of sexual activity. Could it be possibly as simple as just waiting to have sex? If so, why does research continue to illustrate consistent percentages of teens becoming sexually active during high school decade after decade?

Think back to your own adolescence and the studies shouldn’t seem so surprising.

For me, summers always ended early because marching band started about a month before classes, when it was still insanely hot in the West Texas desert, too hot for any remotely intelligent creature to be outside in the sun. (Don’t ask what that says about my character as a kid.) That month was always bloated with feelings of anticipation and excitement at the prospect of the new school year. New classes. New students. New chances at romance and sex. Once school started and band practice moved to early morning before class, the smell of freshly cut grass from the playing fields and diesel fumes of the buses—a combination of odors that continues to evoke powerful emotions in me twenty odd years later—mingled with the sweat of three hundred teenagers eager to meet up with their friends in the hallway.

The summer before the start of my senior year, I dated a bassoon player who eventually became my last girlfriend. She was a junior. She was very smart and she was very pretty. (She also had a very attractive older brother and going to her house gave me a chance to talk to him about his first year away at college.) By this point in my sexual development, I had kissed girls and had even groped a breast under a shirt once or twice. But this time, for some reason, I could not bring myself to kiss or even hold hands with this beautiful young woman. After a few weeks, which must have been extremely frustrating and confusing for her, she called it off. Although I missed seeing her brother, I felt a huge sense of relief. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until much later that I found out my lack of sexual interest had been very hurtful to her.

I was always amazed at the transformation that had transpired in the physical appearance of my classmates over the span of a summer. There was the ugly duckling girl who returned looking like a model out of an MTV video with full Cindy Crawford-esque breasts and giant winged hair. There was the scrawny guy who returned half a foot taller with scruff on his chin. It was as if each of my peers spent a few months in a magical cocoon to undergo the metamorphosis from boys and girls into men and women. In junior high school, as I watched those a year or two ahead of me experience these dramatic changes, I would lie in bed at night and worry that I was the only boy who would remain a boy and that I was the only boy who liked other boys. Late into the night, I would concentrate on making hair grow on my chest believing that this would make me a real man, a normal man who wanted to have sex with women. (Years later, I figured out that my fantasies about marrying Olivia Newton John weren’t so much sexual fantasy but more my desire to become her character Kira in Xanadu.) As it turned out, I wasn’t immune to “the change” and my chest hair did grow (along with hair in places that I never imagined!) and I started becoming a man. “Normal”, however, was never part of the grand plan in my design…

I can only imagine what was going through the minds of my classmates, my siblings, and my parents when classes started my senior year. I had left school at the end of the previous semester as the somewhat shy, kind of nerdy, kind of plain honor student, band geek that I had been for years. What returned was an exotic bird from an alien land, or at least that’s what I like to imagine they thought—faggy weirdo is probably more accurate. After months of watching MTV and obsessing over music and fashion magazines and with a little help from my girlfriends (the kind that were later labeled as fag hags), I had experienced my own metamorphosis. I replaced the wranglers and JC Penney shirts with torn Levi’s that I pegged at the ankle and oversized white t-shirts worn under thrift store jackets and vests with giant antique brooches pinned to the lapel. I pierced my ears and learned the joys of hairspray and hair coloring, transforming my little boy cut into a highly flammable, giant pompadour of supernatural colors, a look my mother referred to as “kinda artsy.”

Much of my metamorphosis was because I had noticed another boy at school who stood out from the crowd in his tapered pants, polka dot shirts, and his Flock of Seagulls inspired hair. I made it my mission to get his attention. He was a sophomore; I was a senior. It didn’t take long for me to navigate the few degrees of separation with common friends and arrange for us to start spending time together. A week or two later on a stifling evening with the smell and charge of a fall thunderstorm still in the air, a group of us were lying on a friend’s bed listening to Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, the synthesizers and electronic drum beats filling the room like the fumes of hair spray that maintained our ’dos in the upright and locked position. In the dark we talked about our dreams of hanging out in cool dance clubs and shopping in big cities. Our arms touched under the covers and I felt a jolt of electricity that caused every hair on my body to stand on end and brilliant bursts of fireworks to erupt in front of my eyes in the darkness. We started the slow, agonizing dance of adjusting our positions, shifting our weight, and holding hands. I held my breath afraid to break the spell. Time stopped and the world melted away. I felt a sense of being and understanding that I had not previously encountered anywhere else in my life. It wasn’t long until alone in my car we kissed sweetly and passionately. It was a kiss unlike any other kiss I had experienced with girls in the past; it felt good and right. The kiss ignited a passion and desire that quickly lead to sexual activity—another new experience in which we found ourselves engaging at every opportunity. I had experienced an awakening and I had discovered the greatest things on earth—love, sex, and having fun!

I share this story not to titillate or shock. I share my story because though the characters, scene, and era may be different, my story of adolescent sexual discovery is not uncommon. Such is the power of those first kisses and first sexual encounters. Those memories are burned into our souls and become a vital part of the fabric with which we weave together our existences. During this time of my life, I never questioned whether this was something that was right or wrong. I never feared the consequences of being sexually active, or worried what others may have thought. I was engulfed; I was overtaken.

Was I prepared for these experiences and the intense emotional reactions they ignited? Not completely. Did I take unnecessary risks with my life and my health? Yes. Do I want to deny this passion and excitement to others? Absolutely not. However, I do want to make sure today’s teens and young adults have experiences that are appropriate and fulfilling, as well as the knowledge and skills necessary to make healthy decisions.

As our nation’s teens return to school this fall, I suggest that each of us recall our high school experiences, however long ago or however recent those may be. Many of you may remember your experiences fondly (albeit with slight embarrassment and horror at some of the things you did and said), while others may have more traumatic memories. It is the combination of these experiences, good and bad, that inform us and help us to understand what being a teen in America is about.

There are many ways of helping young people navigate these years of sexual exploration, one of which is sharing our stories and experiences and discussing what we wish we had known or what we may have done differently. Of course, having frank and honest conversations about sex and sexuality can be difficult for even the most well intended parent or teacher. Below is a list of online resources available for teens, parents, and teachers that can help navigate the complexities of sexuality.

Recommended Web Resources

Advocates for Youth
-Tips for parents
-Recommended books
-Growth and development information from infants to 18 years+
-Articles by sex education experts
-Relationship-building exercises

Family Education
-Communication tips
-Expert advice
-Polls about sex, music, kissing dating, and other sexuality related topics
-Parenting tips from other parents

SIECUS
-Information for parents and teachers on how to talk to kids about sex

Planned Parenthood

SexualityandU.ca
-Canadian-based website with links to resources for teachers

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
-Resources for parents to promote the sexual health and well being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, their families, and friends

Recommended Books

Dr. Ruth's Guide to Teens and Sex Today: From Social Networking to Friends With Benefits
By Ruth K Westheimer

Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children about Sex and Character
By Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappello

All About Sex: A Family Resource on Sex and Sexuality
By Planned Parenthood

Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens from Middle School to High School and Beyond
By Debra Haffner

Caution: Do Not Open Until Puberty! An Introduction to Sexuality for Young Adults with Disabilities
By Rick Enright

The Facts of Life...and More: Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities
Edited by Leslie Walker-Hirsch

Two Teenagers in Twenty: Writings by Gay & Lesbian Youth

By Ann Heron